Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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