I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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