My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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