The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
