You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
