I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
