don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
