Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
