It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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