Midget sex pt 2 tonight
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
