my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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