I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
