3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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