we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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