This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
