somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
