so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
