call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
