toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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