also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
