I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
