I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
