do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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