He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
