I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
