who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Send help, water and tortillas.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
