I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
