I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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