my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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