my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
