fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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