her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
