I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
