I met the friendliest cop last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
