i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
