i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The cops high fived after they tackled you
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
