ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
