go do what you do best...puke behind churches
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
