mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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