I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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