so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
