Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
