I like my sex mixed with concussions.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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