My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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