Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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