Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
