Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
