You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You can't just leave with hair like that
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
