You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
