Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
