I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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